#i want to relax and i just cant
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i hate this so so bad
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redesigned creek cuz im sick of feeling rage every time i see him
#a lot offff this is based off rps with him :3 so if ur like why. that's why#im sick of rping him and seeing his ugly canon icon and having a physical visceral reaction#i want to see him in the new movies style SO BAD!!!! RAGRHH#also i went thru a lot of effort to make his trousers NOT neon yellow only for the filters i applied to turn them neon again#creek#trolls#redesign#art#fanart#my recent art has been so sketchy and non refined but i truly just cant b bothered atm#now realising ive hardly posted it here HOLD ONNN I will b posting all my recent art eventually#he clacks when he walks cuz i think its a very relaxing sound. namaste or whatever
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RealAgeAU Drabble - Crush Gossip
*slides in with a grin* I am here and we are here for a special installment. @spotaus get in here friend!
Blue centered drabble :D
Just as promised :3
First Drabble Prev Drabble Next Drabble
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Blue moves the cleaned plates towards the cabinet before returning to the sink. He puts the whiskey glasses in and starts washing them carefully. He really enjoyed the night and their little gyftmas celebration.
Even if some aspects could have gone better. Or not happened at all.
Blue loves Dream. He really loves his best friend. But Dream needs to stop trying to help him by getting Ink to notice him.
It is fine.
A yawn and Blue doesn’t look away from the water “You are up early.”
His brother yawns as he joins his side “You are up early.” He sounds grumpy “You are already finished cleaning?”
Blue nods as he takes care to wash the smaller glasses “Of course. I know how to handle my liquor.” And he shoots Stretch a grin before frowning “Don’t you want to sleep in? Alphys will oversleep today so not notice you skipping work for a bit and Chara isn’t meant to arrive until a few days.”
Stretch huffs unhappily “Yeah yeah I know.” he yawns again as he leans against the counter as he ignores what Blue said to ask his own question “Dream and Ink out already?”
Blue shrugs “Yeah. Dream had to go again or Core would locate him again… and Ink… Well I am pretty sure Ink left midway through the party.” Blue saw how ink had checked his phone before quickly tugging his phone away and packing his things and leaving.
It stung a little.
Stretch nods as he takes the towel before waiting for Blue to finish the first glass so he can dry “It was nice to have them over.”
Blue laughs and nods “It was great!” he smiles.
Stretch chuckles before toying with the first glass “sorry it didn’t… work with Ink.”
Blue pauses before shrugging “It is fine. It isn’t like it is a surprise.” Blue had already known there was no interest anyway.
Stretch frowns at him “Blue… I know you… I know you were excited to have Ink over. You are allowed to feel disappointed.”
Blue sighs as he gives the next glass over “It isn’t a big deal” he rushes to wash the other glasses.
Stretch frowns at him “I disagree… Blue you-”
Blue pushes the last glass into his hands “There! All clean! If you can finish that up I will go to quickly fix our puzzles!”
Stretch doesn’t make a move to dry the glasses “You just said Alphys will sleep in anyway and not notice.”
Blue nods as he puffs his chest “Doesn’t mean I have to skip too! You enjoy your morning! Make sure to drink a lot of water and you know where the medicine is and-” and Blue gets stopped by magic by the front door.
Damnit he is blue now.
Stretch speaks calmly “Blue. I want to talk about this. Now.”
Blue sighs but doesn’t fight the magic and let it guide him to the couch. Stretch puts the glasse son the drying rack and joins him.
Stretch leans back against the couch “So… the mistletoe… Did Dream tell you he was planning that?”
Blue groans and shakes his skull “No… I didn’t even realise Dream added that with decorating… I found out when he pushed us under it and pointed it out.” he rubs his cheek “If I had known I would have removed it.”
Stretch nods as he leans back “Why? I thought you like Ink?”
Blue sighs as he waves his hands “I do! But it is more complicated than it just being a matter of me liking him!”
Stretch nods along and waits as he looks at him expectingly.
Blue stares at him before crossing his arms “Ink blocked my number… I don’t know why.”
Stretch looks shocked “But I thought you two were friends?”
Blue rolls up more “We are… I don’t understand why… I wasn’t even asking anything out of the ordinary or weird. Just asked him how he was doing and if he wanted to hang out with Dream and me… When I didn’t get a reply for a few hours I send him another message to ask if he was busy. Only to get an automated message back stating the number I was trying to reach had me blocked.” It was a thing they all agreed on with the multiverse phones. That if you blocked someone they should be able to know. Mostly because if it is an emergency so you don’t waste your time with messaging someone who won’t ever see your messages.
Stretch frowns “Yet… he came to the party?”
Blue shrugs “Just because Dream asked…” Dream had asked for Blue but Blue wouldn’t be surprised if Ink just wanted to come because of Dream. Blue can’t really blame him for that either. Dream is a god like Ink. And Blue is… well very mortal.
Stretch leans back “huh… strange.”
Blue sighs “Not that strange. Dream can be very convincing when he wants to be.” Which is putting it mildly.
Stretch laughs and nods “I noticed… No the strange thing is that if Ink really didn’t want to be near you he wouldn’t have gone to a private Gyftmas party in your universe.” Stretch raises a brow “Sure he has a bad memory but he should know that at least.”
Blue frowns and shrugs “I guess… I just think he wanted to be near Dream.” Which he honestly isn’t mad about. Disappointed maybe but not mad. It isn’t like it is Dream’s fault and Dream is really trying to get Ink and him to hang out. It isn’t Dream’s fault if Ink prefers to be near him over Blue.
Stretch hums “I guess.” He shoots him a curious look “Why do you even like him?”
Blue groans as he searches for the words “It is hard to explain? I don’t even know when I started to feel like this. At first I just admired him I guess? He was a protector. Of the multiverse at that. It was just… He was what I wanted to be. Someone who did good and protect people. And then I learned he didn’t just protect others but also made more worlds? He was just… He was just the coolest person and I admired him and then I got the chance to travel with him and Dream and I just… those feelings got so much more when I got to know him.”
Stretch snorts “How? He almost destroyed our world… Why like him still?”
Blue frowns as he rubs his arm “I guess… I guess it made him look like just any other person… someone who can make mistakes. He felt more real to me after that. It also helps he helped clean up that mess and made sure our world came back the way it was meant to be.” Blue sighs as he rubs his hands “Him and Dream… After you they were the only ones who believed I could do this thing. That I could protect people and everything.” Blue doesn’t know when exactly he started to feel what he feels for Ink.
Stretch hums before groaning “It is just… You are so out of his league!”
Blue blinks and stares at Stretch “What do you mean? He is a god! I am me.”
Stretch nods “Exactly! He needed all those godly powers and stuff to do what he does. You don’t. You are amazing all on your own Blue. You always believe the best in people and believe everyone deserves another chance. You are willing to look past mistakes, the situation with Ink even proves that. You are always willing to help others. You don’t believe in killing anyone but will protect those who need it. Blue you are an amazing person. And I just can’t see how you could like Ink and why you are afraid you aren’t good enough for him.”
Blue feels so embarrassed. It isn’t as if Stretch never compliments him. Hell he always says he is the most amazing every other day. But that felt more like… brothers just being supportive. This feels like more. Maybe just because it is about Ink?
Blue mutters “It doesn’t matter… He hasn’t wanted to hang out with me alone for ages now…” he sighs as he crosses his arms and lays them on his legs to try and relax.
Stretch frowns as he thinks “Maybe he… remembered what he did and feels guilty?”
Blue huffs as he looks to the side “He would have to choice to feel that. He needs his paints to feel… Look I knew from the start this crush was hopeless okay?” he hugs his legs closer “And it isn’t his fault he can’t feel like normal monsters can… or that he lacks a soul… I don’t blame him for any of that. That would be stupid. I know he has no interest in me like that…” it is why Blue feels so bad about Dream trying to help set them up.
Blue laughs as he rubs his socket as he feels the itch “If he likes anyone it would be Dream as Dream used to be able to make him feel things at least a little… Now however? I don’t know.” he lays his cheek on his leg.
Stretch frowns before nudging their shoulders together “Well… We can’t know either way. They are gods. Hell if we know what their reasoning is.” He smiles “Maybe he is just busy or distracted? And he accidentally blocked your number?”
Blue shrugs but lets himself lean against his taller younger brother “I guess.”
Stretch hums as he leans his skull on top of his “My point still stands. You are allowed to be disappointed.”
Blue shrinks in on himself “It is just stupid. I knew it was never going to work… Even if he felt anything for me it wouldn’t work as he is a god and I am not.” And he doesn’t want to be an outcode. He can’t give up his world and brother. He already almost lost both once before and he can’t deal with that. “It is just…” he feels sad “I just thought maybe he wanted to send some time with me… that we could just enjoy some time together as friends. But I guess even that isn’t that important to him anymore. Maybe it never was.”
Stretch leans heavily on top of him “You don’t know what he is thinking Blue. Maybe he really is just very busy with god stuff. Don’t you always say that you can’t assume what other people are thinking?”
Blue feels embarrassed but nods “I do… It is just… hard sometimes…” It just makes him feel worse for not being able to follow his own advice.
Stretch hums “Why not tell Dream? That you appreciate his help but know it isn’t going anywhere?”
Blue sighs and mutters “Because I did but Dream doesn’t believe in anything being impossible.” Stupid gods and their meddling.
Stretch laughs “I can imagine. Why not tell him it bothers bothers you?”
Blue shrugs and mutters “I don’t want to worry him. He is already dealing with a lot and well… It isn’t like a stupid hopeless crush is that bad of a situation…”
Stretch hums “I guess…” He thinks for a moment before grinning “Wanne see if we can meet up with the others? Just the six of us to explore some unsuspecting universe?”
Blue blinks and grins at Stretch “Seriously?”
Stretch grins and shrugs “Paps and I haven’t bothered Edge into relaxing for a while. It will be good for that stick in the mud.” He grins.
Blue blinks before nodding “Yes.”
Stretch grins as he pulls out his phone and starts texting “You get dressed. I will start up the machine.” And he blinks out of view.
Blue goes to his room and gets dressed. His hands pausing on which bandana to wear. His hand hovers over the grey one with beautiful blue details. He had gotten that in a present the year before and Blue never figured out who gave it to him. He had hoped that… well it doesn’t matter now. Blue quickly grabs his normal blue bandana and rushes down to meet up with his brother.
Stretch grins as he holds up his phone “I got confirmation from everyone that everyone is down. Sans is setting up the coordinates for us already and Edge is bringing snacks.”
Blue smiles as he wiggles in place. It will be nice to just enjoy some time with his dear friends. Just to take his mind of his hopeless love life.
Hell maybe he, Edge and Paps can go clubbing! That has been a while and will be nice to relax and let go a bit.
The machine starts up and a beautiful green portal opens. Stretch and him step through to enjoy a day out.
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#utmv#realageau#Swap Sans#Blue Sans#swap Papyrus#Stretch Papyrus#Blue has some issues with his crush#He knows it is silly to like someone who is soulless but sadly you can't pick who you like.#Blue honestly has accepted it but is just a bit sad about it.#He also gets why a god wouldn't be interested in him.#Dream does not agree. blue is the best and by the gods dream is going to make ink see this#Stretch meanwhile doesn't get WHY blue even likes ink :/ guy is a mess and a half and that is stretch saying it#So stretch decided to take Blue on a trip to their OG friends and the six of them are going to relax and have fun.#In my heart original Tale Fell and Swap will always be besties#No the groups don't understand why they like hanging out so much and why the friendship works.#Waht else... oh right!#Ink: ... what do i do?#Error: Why do you ask me?! he is your friend! Just message him!#ink: I cant :/#error sighs: why not?#ink: ... i blocked his number.#error: ... WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!#ink: I panicked!! How do i explain i suddenly feel stuff slightly now that i am like god ascended?!#Error: .... just tell him?!#ink: I can't! He already doesn't want to be Dream's acolyte. Dream's! You know. His bestie?! Why would he even hang with me after my messes#Error just so done with all the dramas he gets mixed up in. He wants to watch them. not be involved.
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zvtaras and fantaras want firelady k.atara to happen so badly when you literally have aang; liberating an entire school of fire nation students, gaining their love and trust, leading them by knowing several classic fire nation dances already, who knows what the heart of the fire nation was before it was polluted by a dictator, who challenged the false historical teachings of their instructor in class with humor and sincere grace, and who is the only one who knows the blue spirit, the true self of the fire nation’s new firelord and leader. like bruh zukaang is RIGHT THERE and it’s everything you want zvtara to be and/or pretend it is.
not to mention - aang is zuko’s partner (“you knew avatar aang better than anyone”, “lifelong best friends”) not prize. they are friends due to mutual trust. aang got zuko to bend and grow (and vice versa) because he was shamelessly who he is. he would never compromise who he is as the avatar and an air nomad.
#zukaang#some random ramblings im sorry if this isnt like as coherent as it should be#i just ate dinner and im gonna relax but i had to rant lol#grimmrambles#also this isnt mai erasure im just saying regarding ships that arent ‘canon’ in that sense - why would you morph zvtara into what zukaang#literally already has#the hets cant comprehend that zukaang has every romance trop they desperately want their self insert ship to have lmao#trope*
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Tfp Miko would be a horrible influence on Tfa Optimus. And by that I mean brilliant because she would totally pull the rebar up his exhaust pipe out and get him to relax, which would also have the added bonus of turning this burnt-out college dropout into the feral gremlin he was meant to be.
They would be best friends and jam out together and kick decepticon ass.
#transformers#tfp#tfa#tfa optimus prime#tfp miko#just let them be friends#i want to see miko and tfa optimus cause chaos together and give both ratchets an aneurysm#tfp ratchet because 'nooooo!! optimus shouldn't do thaaat!! miko stop corrupting him!!'#and tfa ratchet because 'that child is a horrible influence but i cant even be mad because this is the most relaxed ive ever seen bossbot'
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Went to the zoo today and it made me think about how Team Natsu would react to being there:
Would Natsu be upset because he heard there was "a dragon that had a beard"? Only to see the bearded dragon and just be disappointed?
Would Erza feel bad for the animals? All behind bars and a slave for the publics entertainment? Would she talk Natsu into helping her free the poor beasts or would she just take matters into her own hands?
Gray would definitely help her after spending most his time in the Artic exhibits, watching the poor penguins play on a small pile of ice and the polar bears only having a slab of ice big enough for one bear to lay.
Meanwhile you just have Lucy and Wendy and Carla, just walking around and absolutely having the time of their lives. They'd do all the immersive activities; feeding the giraffe, petting the stingrays, touching coral, etc.
They'd pretend to not know the idiots being chased by security.
Happy, of course, would be found in the aquarium exhibit, sitting down and just watching the fish swim around him all day, unaware of the chaos happening outside.
#i feel this is very on brand for them#Lucy just wanted to have a nice relaxing day#and the others just cant help themselves#fairy tail#team natsu#lucy heartfilia#natsu dragneel#gray fullbuster#erza scarlet#wendy marvell
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Bad News.
Flame's Desire will not be starting back up this month due to me having an accident that's left me on bed rest for a time.
Once I'm physically healthy again, I will try my best to get ACT 3 started for y'all.
#kili talks#tag talk:#its a back issue#im not in mortal danger or anything#ive just been unable to move properly for 2 weeks now#and was brought to the ER monday to see whats wrong with me#the issue is fixable i just have to stay on bedrest so it CAN be fixed#also im drugged up on muscle relaxers and steroids#it's been one hell of a couple weeks#anyway#i posted this all in the tags in case anyone was curious to know#or in case no one wanted to know and could skip it#either way#i cant work on writing like id want so no FD#my bad
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at first i was thinking about oscars work with madam springs being in a secondary location from her bookstore but i think a cute idea would be putting the springs storefront in the same building as the bookshops...side by side store neighbors or something...
#oscar: im off to work! (goes next door)#i think i like the idea of old woman madam springs putting her little input on their lives all the time#plus next-door healing station seems convenient rpg-wise#even better if madam springs and/or oscar own the whole building so theyre like mochis landlord#mochi: rent isnt a big deal because i can just magic up some money#madam springs: i take qoms payment only#mochi: WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO??? (shaking lime)#mochi: (sobbing) were gonna be homeless...#lime: will you relax for like 2 seconds please#little known mochi fact: shes always loaded with cash (normal human currency) but is constantly strapped for qoms (magic currency)#she cant help buying the cute little magic trinkets and potions every time she sees them#mochi wanting to cry every time she cant buy herself a cute little magic treat and instead has to put it toward rent#this is why lime doing m-34th jobs is such a benefit#because they pay him generously in money and any qoms he gets from commissions he gets to keep#not lime hoarding qoms the entire timeskip period so he could buy mochi things she actually wants when he sees her agian
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boy in silly sitting positions compilation
#cats#I especially like the last one where he just has one single paw poking out of that box for some reason lol#I still have costumes to post and like a billion other things.... grr... constantly failing at staying active on social media aughh#I think because currently my Main Focus is on trying to get my game done and stuff.. which basically just means sitting and writing all day#so there's not much to post about. Though I know the Good At Social Media thing to do would be to post about the#writing and share progress and talk about the game and characters or whatever to try to build interest or something but that is SOOO weird#to me.. I could maybe get it if it was like a tiny tiny discord groupchat of playtesters with like 5 people in#it.. But something about talking openly about things before they happen is weird to me?? Like presumptuous feeling or something#''oooo guess whats gonna happen LATER!!!'' like.. how do you know.. what if it doesnt. what if you dont finish it. what if its not the way#you think it's going to be. what if something changes. etc. Like I literally avoid movie trailers and game trailers for the same reason ghj#Even if it's not ME doing it it just feels... weird.. Maybe it has to do with my OCD and how I just don't like talking about ''future''#things in Certain Terms. Like if I was going to say ''Oh yeah sure. come over to my house in a few months''. I would have to follow it up#with like ''HOPEFULLY you can come over to my house in a few months'' or 'They'll come over in a few months MOST LIKELY''. Because just#stating that something will happen matter of factly takes for granted like.. what if somehting horrible happens and I DONT have a house#in a few months? or what if something bad happens to me. or to the person coming over? I can't ever DEFINITELY say with 100% certainty#that one could ACTUALLY come to my house in a few months. anything could change. So I have to allot for that in my phrasing. hbjjkn#There are a lot of situations where you're expected to just Assume Things but for some reason that bothers me. My brain literally does not#even Assume the most basic things.. like how do *I* know that just because it's someones birthday that they want to be wished a happy#birthday? what if they dont? everyone is different and has different preferences. I should check with them first. or wait until they public#ly announce that theyre accepting birthday wishes. I have to allot for all 5034859069 rare possibilities at any given time and never take#anything for certain. etc. ghjbjhbh.... ANYWAY.. I have been feeling a bit sick lately as usual.. but still slowly making progress on some#things. Moslty I need to edit costume photos. make sculptures. and work on the game. Going back reading some of the old writing from like#2018 and suprisingly I don't have to change that much of it? In fact I like it mostly. so that's good. I would be very interested if I were#playing the game myself. Though that doesnt mean much since my tastes are so niche lol..#Still really want to clear some of my million tumblr drafts as well... alas and aughh and ooughh and so on and so forth. Between all of my#evil appointments other such things...why cant I have one billion dollar to retire into relaxed hermit artist life of no stressors.. bleas
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okay wait laughingstock concept Incoming: so im imagining some of the neighbors (maybe Julie & Frank) noticing that Barnaby & Howdy are a lil fruity, yk yk. and Julie's like damn, i guess we have to play matchmaker here.
so naturally they wind up getting the whole neighborhood involved. everybody's a wingman here. Poppy's dropping hints when Howdy drops off groceries, Wally is constantly asking Barnaby to go get him things from the bodega, etc etc. Howdy and Barnaby are facing this sudden change in town-wide behavior with slight concern and bemusement
eventually - lets say Julie, Sally, and Wally - get Barnaby into the bodega and then abruptly leave like "don't have too much fun without us you two *wink wink nudge nudge*". once they're gone (read: very obviously hiding outside & watching through the window) Barnaby & Howdy turn to each other like:
Barnaby: you think we should tell them we're already married?
Howdy: let them have their fun - they'll figure it out eventually
#dont have the mental fortitude to Draw This but i still wanted to share the thought#'but how would no one notice that theyre literally married'#easy: theyre very relaxed and secure in their relationship. also howdy has a strict 'no pda at work' rule#also because its funny. we can stretch rationality for the Bit cmon now#through the power of the bit Anything is possible#and we all know the neighbors are Peak Sillies so. yk#it strikes me that once they get Bored of the constant 'matchmaking'#barnaby and howdy stage this whole thing where they 'confess' to each other So dramatically and So publicly#they make it an Event#sally is swooning from the drama and spectacle of it all. wally is trying to paint the moment as fast as possible#julie is so excited she's close to passing out. eddie is crying. so is poppy. frank is taking the credit. home is just happy to be there#as soon as barnaby and howdy retreat out of sight they burst out laughing for a solid ten minutes#GAH THE BRAINROT THE BRAINROT#laughingstock#wailing and sobbing they are so so good together and FOR WHAT FUCKING REASON#i cant even put it into words they just Fit! like puzzle pieces!#theres something so natural about em. i look at them and its like. they Would be perfect for each other huh#i already know theyd have such a healthy wholesome relationship They Just Work. Theyre The Dream Couple#howdy says the most confusing sentence ever said. barnaby nods along with genuine love in his eyes. etc. you get it#now watch! canon is gonna absolutely set this on fire!#which would be Fun. painful. but Fun. seriously tho im curious as to how/if barnaby and howdy will interact/develop....#i mean personally i love it when shit gets messy so i hope it Hurts So Bad or at least Goes Downhill#i hope its a rollercoaster on all accounts
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i have just finished house today and like whew . im not coping well why was this show so good im so attached its so bad how do i be normal about this and especially THAT ENDING !!!! how do i MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE!!!!!
#i MISS cuddy . so much. i wish she was there#but it is what it is#the hilson implications like i dont even feel queerbaited when proof is in front of my eyes#house md#HOW DO I MOVE ON!!!! HEEELPPPPP!!! I CANT RECOVER!!!!!!#i have noone else to talk abt this with but idk what i want to talk about i just wish there was more episodes#cuz in the last few months watching house has become like a habit/structure to me and a way for me to relax and cope with a lot of things#that happened recently in my life so i feel quite empty. like i just finished a part of my life#im being dramatic but whatever#UUURGHHHH HOUUUSEEEEE 😭😭😭😭😭
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it sounds counterintuitive, but project zomboid genuinely is a good life sim/farming game, and having to fight to create a cozy atmosphere makes it so much more worth it
I actually agree with u on this 99%, i like the art style/grafics, I've seen lots and lots of gameplay i like that theres so much u can do!! Unfortunately i tried playing it once and got so fucking terrified i was just frozen in fear in the building i was in 😭 LMAO. BUT I LOVE IT SO MUCH IN THEORY. I wish i wasnt squared maybe ill try again soon
#survival management stresses me out too but not in the omgg i want game with 0 difficulty <3 way i jst cant relax bc#i already have ''too many tabs open'' in my brain irl that having to juggle that in a game is like. just more of it#zombie scenarios so scary like irl id just Die#skunk mail#anonymous
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WHY would you go to study in a different county and take a NIGHT LIGHT WITH YOU and NOT a DESK LAMP?!!!!??! WHY DO I have to PARTICIPATE in your JOURNALING EVERY SINGLE NIGHT because you keep TURNING ALL THE LIGHTS ON. USE YOUR PHONE FLASHLIGHT!!!!!!
#FOR THE LOVE OF GOD#I CANT TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE#i just want to relax but i keep turning the lights off when she leaves the room and she comes back in and turns it back on again and#starts fucking drawing for 2 hours#AND SOMETIMES SHE JUST WATCHES TIKTOKS AND DOES NOTHING#BUY A DESK LAMP FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#uff sorry guys I might've gotten a bit heated over here...
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Its so easy to assimilate into a cis male space and it's access to patriarchal power just by declaring yourself as one of them. They will instantly respect you and definitely not squint to see the ghostly spectre of your feminine mystique every time they look at you. this is famously known and no one has ever come across any problems to date (why would anyone keep your records, you don't exist)
#even when you do get 'in' its like. god maybe its just me. i cant relax#i cant relax and be one of The Boys when im scared that its for nothing#its like something that would make me insanely dysphoric tho its kind of funny is uhh -#people would make those videos about 'pick me' girls trying so hard to be one of the guys#and the implication seemed to be that this is such an impossible and pathetic thing to attempt#that it could never work and the only reason youd want that is to have str8 hookups i guess#ive been having a hard time w this shit lately beyond any online discourse lol just on a personal level#i wish my social dysphoria was not abysmal to the point it hindered me actually working toward like#doing affirming things like being able to be confident in my own masculinity
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lol. i think ive reached my limit.
#i just cannot take this torture anymore#ive been at the mercy of this horrible disease for over half my life now#imagine living knowing that roughly every 3.5 weeks youre going to experience the most excruciating pain of your life#along with crushing. usually suicidal depression. and such extreme fatigue and exhaustion that you easily sleep for 14+ hours a DAY#AND ITS ALL FOR FUCKING *NOTHING*#there is literally ZERO benefit or reason for me to be experiencing this#it is 100% extraneous#and even if you go to a dr and try to get treatment their only recommendation is 1) pain killers and/or 2) birth control#which both come with their own fucking share of unpleasant side effects#not to mention theyre not even 100% effective at stopping the problem in the first FUCKING place#and imagine even tho you have this DEBILITATING DISORDER society at large has decided it straight up DOESNT EXIST#to the point where REAL ACTUAL MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS will dismiss your symptoms#not to mention people in your life who dont understand or just straight up dont believe your disorder is real#good luck keeping a job or any other major commitments#considering you'll either be out of commission for like. 1 out of ever 4 weeks#or youll have to work/whatever WHILE experiencing said excruciating pain/crushing depression/debilitating exhaustion#not to mention the GI issues and the migraines and the brain fog and the fucking. full body aches#wanna go to a concert? or plan a vacation? or just. fucking. RELAX? you better hope its not during Hell Week or youre outta luck#and youve got roughly 30-40 YEARS of this to look forward to#maybe less IF YOURE LUCKY#im fucking over it#i cant take it anymore#im making an appt to see a dr and i WILL NOT LEAVE THEIR OFFICE until they have referred me to whoever i have to talk to to make this stop#my fucking fury at having to live like this has officially outweighed my fear of invasive procedures/recovery time/side effects#let along the torture that is navigating the medical care system as an AFAB#i just. i cant do this anymore.#i want to fucking LIVE#fuck
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I had so many thoughts. And I messed up in the process lmao! So I gave up and will try again later. Largely unsatisfied but I think I'm getting somewhere.
#39tn39post#I'm really slowing down on drawing lately I can feel it I'm getting tired again!#i wanted to draw a meshing of ghost rider with makoto and i just couldnt get it right#of course i wanted to draw her with long hair too and some of the akechi expressions mixed in for effect#but im going to have to experiment with the colors#mehhh lots of thoughts maybe ill do another old drawing to relax#now i want to draw akechibas ghost rider#this is why i cant get any of my older drawings done....
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